Parental Alienation when love turns into loyalty

When Love Turns Into Loyalty: The Hidden Harm of Parental Alienation

Divorce marks the end of a marriage, but it should never mean the end of a child’s relationship with either parent. While many divorced couples eventually rebuild their lives and successfully co-parent, there are unfortunate cases where unresolved anger and resentment continue long after the divorce has been finalised.

Most people eventually heal from the emotional wounds of a failed marriage. They form new relationships, remarry, and create stable family environments. Children are remarkably resilient and, with the love and support of both parents, usually adapt well to new family structures. They often develop healthy relationships with step-parents, step-siblings and extended family members.

Sadly, this is not always the case.

In some highly conflicted divorces, one parent deliberately manipulates a child into rejecting the other parent. Through constant criticism, emotional manipulation and false narratives, the child is encouraged to fear, distrust or even hate the other parent. This destructive behaviour is commonly referred to as parental alienation.

What Is Parental Alienation?

Professor Edward Kruk, an internationally recognised expert in child and family policy at the University of British Columbia, describes parental alienation as the deliberate “programming” of a child by one parent to denigrate and reject the other parent.

The targeted parent is portrayed as dangerous, uncaring or unworthy of the child’s love and affection, often without any factual basis.

Professor Kruk warns that parental alienation is a serious form of psychological abuse. Hatred is not an emotion that develops naturally in children—it is learned. A parent who intentionally teaches a child to fear or despise the other parent places that child’s emotional and psychological well-being at significant risk.

Recognising the Warning Signs

Parental alienation can take many forms, including:

• Constantly criticising or belittling the other parent in the child’s presence.
• Preventing or limiting contact between the child and the other parent.
• Discouraging or preventing relationships with grandparents and extended family.
• Removing photographs, gifts or reminders of the other parent from the child’s life.
• Telling the child that the other parent does not love them.
• Portraying the other parent as dangerous or untrustworthy without justification.
• Pressuring the child to “choose” one parent over the other.
• Rewarding rejection of the targeted parent or threatening to withdraw affection if the child expresses love for that parent.

These behaviours gradually erode the parent-child relationship and can leave lasting emotional scars.

The Impact on Children

The true victims of parental alienation are not the parents—they are the children.

Research has shown that children who are subjected to parental alienation are at greater risk of developing:

• Low self-esteem
• Anxiety and depression
• Feelings of guilt and self-hatred
• Difficulty forming trusting relationships
• Behavioural problems
• Substance abuse and other addictions
• Emotional instability well into adulthood

Professor Kruk emphasises that every child has a fundamental right to enjoy a loving, secure and meaningful relationship with both parents, unless there are legitimate concerns such as abuse, neglect or violence. Depriving a child of that relationship without good reason is, in itself, a form of emotional abuse.

The South African Legal Position

South African law places the best interests of the child above all else.

Section 28 of the Constitution provides that a child’s best interests are of paramount importance in every matter concerning the child. Likewise, the Children’s Act 38 of 2005 requires parents to promote and protect a child’s relationship with both parents wherever possible.

Our courts are increasingly recognising the harmful effects of parental alienation. Judges have repeatedly emphasised that children should never become casualties of parental conflict or be used as instruments of revenge following a divorce.

A parent who deliberately frustrates contact, manipulates a child’s emotions or undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent risks serious legal consequences. The courts have wide powers to enforce parenting plans, vary care and contact arrangements, and make any order necessary to protect the child’s best interests.

Protecting Your Child Comes First

Children deserve the love, guidance and support of both parents. Whatever the circumstances surrounding a divorce, parents have a responsibility to place their children’s emotional well-being ahead of their own personal grievances.

If you believe that your child is being alienated from you, or if your former spouse is deliberately undermining your relationship with your child, early legal intervention is essential. The sooner the issue is addressed, the greater the opportunity to restore and preserve the parent-child bond.

Know your rights.

At The Law Desk of Fawzia Khan & Associates, we have over 35 years of legal experience assisting parents with care and contact disputes, parenting plans, relocation matters and the protection of children’s rights. We are committed to helping families find practical legal solutions that place the best interests of every child first.

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